I am 29 Today

Ongoing Recovery, One More Day

 Today I am 29. Twenty-nine years without a drink or a drug. Since every day alive is a miracle and a gift, I count many thousands of miracles and gifts. They have not all been “good” days, but each has been tolerable. Even if I have “found it necessary to use,” I have not used. One day at a time, for 29 years. Continue reading

Control Freak, Part Two, the Spouse

In part one of this three part series, Control Freak, the Family, we discussed parents attempting to overly control children. Part Two of Control Freak deals with how we may inflict our old issues on other adults, specifically on our spouses. We are all products of everything that has happened to us, how we were treated by parents and others when we were children, and how we have been helped (or not) to grow through both the minor and major traumas of life.

If we were made to feel bad about ourselves as children, often by a critical or overly controlling parent, we may grow up to try to handle the fear of not being good enough, that self-doubt, even self-hatred, by attempts to make our spouses and children, be a certain way. Controlling behavior is an endeavor to quiet some fear and gain a sense of well being, (happiness?) by putting ourselves… well… in control! Continue reading

Control Freak, Part One, the Family

Arrogant, self righteous and disrespectful are the words that come to mind when we watch someone in control mode. A trait that is extremely difficult to deal with, the need to control is born from fear. Fear of not being okay, of what people will think, of self doubt. Old childhood stuff, often unresolved rage at controlling or demeaning parents, can result in a need to dominate. Sadly, the fearful and angry child often becomes a controlling adult and perpetuates the cycle of dysfunction. He (or she) may find a spouse who allows him to “run” the family, dominate the marriage and the children, the money and everything else. If you do what he says, his fear is temporarily assuaged. If you do not bend to his control, he becomes increasingly angry, a consequence of his fear of not being in charge. Continue reading

Healthy Relationships, Part 5 : Kindness

Ever notice how your serenity can be interrupted by a random act of UNkindness? Some people are in so much personal emotional pain that they cannot seem to escape themselves and be nice to their fellow human beings. Clearly, if we are talking random stranger who has never met you and has no reason to feel bitter toward you, it is their problem and has nothing to do with you. Continue reading